Joyce was 24 years old when baby Jeff was born. According to her, it was not planned to get pregnant so soon after she got married to Lionel. But Lionel has said that his birth control method was foolproof. It happened after two months of marriage anyway and unfortunately it wasn’t an easy pregnancy. Joyce said it was filled with nausea, pain and bed rest. Her doctor prescribed her medication for anxiety that made it a bit more bearable. Joyce said that Lionel demanded sex constantly near the end of her pregnancy and it caused her to go into premature labor. She was rushed into the hospital and after the emergency delivery, she woke up alone. No recognition of the birth of their son or the labor.
Lionel too has said it wasn’t an easy pregnancy. Everything seemed to bother her, every single noise or odor. This so afflicted her nerves that she began to develop uncontrollable muscle spasms, which distressed her even more. She would get some type of seizures. During these, her eyes would bulge like a frightening animal and she would begin to salivate, literally frothing at the mouth. Joyce has denied she had these seizures. But according to Lionel she got injections of barbiturates and morphine to help her relax. The doctor could not find any medical reason for these attacks. He said they were rooted in Joyce’s mental state.
Joyce grew up with an alcoholic father. According to the Shrine, Joyce often had said she felt helpless and lonely as a child but did not know why. She knew the emotion of abandonment very early. In the Silent Victims, Joyce also writes she has been abused by him.
On May 21, 1960 Jeff was finally born. When Lionel first saw his son, he was sleeping quietly. When he was allowed to go home, Joyce held him gently in her arms. The first few days there was a happiness that settled over Lionel and Joyce. Joyce kept a scrapbook about Jeff where all his first achievements were lovingly recorded. But the feeling of happiness only lasted for a short time. Joyce stopped pretty fast with breast feeding. It made her nervous and she dreaded it terribly. Brian Masters wrote that this abrupt change may have felt like a rejection or distance to the baby.
According to the book Serial Killers: the method and madness of monsters, the most common factor attributed to serial killer is the likely absence of infant bonding. “An infant that is denied human touch and affection develops a sense of only itself – it becomes completely oblivious to others. This is necessary for the infant to survive but can become a destructive trait in adulthood.”
Jeff himself has said he later in his life learned that Joyce had mental problems and that there were times she was gone a lot. But that she was never mean or unkind to him and she actually could be very comforting. He overheard his aunt saying that after he was born, Joyce had suffered a severe case of post partum depression and had to be hospitalized. He said he didn’t know at the time what it was but that he still felt responsible for it, like he had done something to cause her illness. Joyce writes in The Silent Victims she mourned the loss of her dreams, of her life, of her pride. She felt like she and Lionel became a recreation of her own family.
Around 1970 Joyce’s fragile health collapsed. She had been steadily increasing her consumption of drugs. Eventually she was taken to a hospital, where she spent a month in a mental ward. The Shrine says Jeff’s response to this was classic. He blamed himself for his mother’s illness. He had known for as long as he could remember that she had been depressed following his birth, and that he had therefore caused her illness. He also must have caused every relapse. He could not articulate his pain, for fear of tipping his mother over the edge again. He had to keep himself to himself, say little and do less, to protect her, to keep a little calm in the house. The more she saw of him the worse it would be for her. Jeff quite simply felt he did not belong and that if he were to belong he would only do harm. The fact that Jeff had not been troublesome or demanding as an infant ought not to earn suprise. The child who does not ask for attention, wheter or not because he has learnt not to expect it, betrays as inner deadness which can be mistaken for goodness and sweetness of character.
Joyce writes that as Jeff grew older he began to turn inward, became more and more withdrawn and introspective which mystified and disturbed her greatly. She also says that Jeff did came home drunk when he was a teenager and he did seem to spend an inordinate amount of time alone. When she decided to leave to Wisconsin, Joyce says she asked Jeff to come with her and David but that he decided to stay so he could attend the University. He said he could handle it and she should go ahead. Afterwards they spend some holidays together. They were not the warm, loving encounters she had hoped for but she made the best of it, having him for the holidays made a difference to her. Joyce said she felt compelled to stay in touch with Jeff. But he refused to answer.
When Jeff was assigned to group therapy by the terms of his probation, it was noted that Jeff seemed to be very uncomfortable in talking about his mother. In the reports of his probation officer Donna Chester, it was reported that on March 25, 91 Joyce had called him and they talked to each other for the first time in 5 years. She knows he was gay and had no problem accepting it. In the report it said, he was happy.
Joyce was reflective in The Silent Victims. She asked herself how she could be so careless that Jeff felt so insignificant in their lives. She felt like she should have done something earlier, should have known something was up and should have tried harder. Since Joyce had a dad who was an alcoholic, she admits she saw the signs with Jeff and asks herself why she never did anything to help him.
She writes, “I now realize how damaging the constant arguments, anger and physical confrontations were on the boys, especially Jeff. Although I was rarely angry with Jeff, he was constantly subjected to a barrage of fury and anger directed toward Lionel and he toward me. It must have been extremely frightening and paralyzing to him, it surely drove him off to spend more time alone, drove him further into himself.” “I am aware now that my own difficult childhood prefaced my children’s. I, after all, had learned my parenting skills from my parents. I never actually took the necessary steps to unlearn what came naturally to me. And my boys suffered because of it.” “Little did I or anyone else know that the ‘baggage’ Lionel and I were carrying would be so devastating to one quiet, lonely, withdrawn, little boy.”
After Jeff got arrested, it seemed the bond between him and his mom finally got better. They were talking and writing each other. Joyce visited him in jail often as she could and Jeff told her his whole story. He, almost desperately, wanted to make sure she knew he didn’t want the victims to suffer. That he wasn’t mean. To me, this is Jeff in some way wanting to have his mom’s approval, to not disappoint her even more. After this heavy conversation, it seemed mother and son established a comfortable routine. They finally seemed to have the relationship they always wanted but couldn’t find. Despite the circumstances. But unfortunately it wouldn’t last long.. A prison warden called Joyce to tell her the devastating news that Jeff had been killed.
My personal opinion:
I know some dislike Joyce a lot and I respect that, I can understand it. I have disliked Joyce a lot for a long time too but after going deeper into their relationship and realizing, most of the stuff we know about Joyce, comes from Lionel.. it has changed my views. Yes she obviously has made some huge mistakes. But I do believe towards the end of her life she was more self aware of it and even admitted it. I think she cared deeply about Jeff but had too much issues of her own to properly show it. Moms with PPD often dont get taken seriously, especially back in these days. I think this had a big influence on Joyce bonding experiences with Jeff and ultimately Jeff’s feelings of neglect and loneliness. It’s so important for babies to bond with their moms. She also supposedly had BPD. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for Jeff growing up with a mom that was dealing with some severe mental health problems. But Lionel deserves to be held responsible for Jeff’s neglect in his childhood as much as Joyce. Lionel should have been more present and protecting Jeff. They both should have paid more attention to him but were too busy with each other. They both failed the little boy that was already lost but still had a chance to be saved.
Jeffrey Dahmer Memorial 