on august 7, 2019, i had a vision that i could not control. it came to me out of the blue — no drugs or anything else mind-altering involved — and as the imagery flashed through my mind’s eye automatically, i did my best to record it. i have never experienced anything like it before or since.
this is the raw, 99.9% unedited recording of what i saw. i only edited two words in one sentence for clarity later on.
❖ ❖ ❖
for a split second, i was him.. i was there
“but if you knew any more, it would break your brain.”
you’re channelling the wrong part of the collective consciousness. it’s causing a system malfunction. somebody is chasing someone, somewhere.. you know you have knowledge you’re not supposed to and that’s why you’re scared. our flesh hardware isn’t meant to support that operating system.
we’re meant to be blind little single-celled organisms, moving slowly on this space rock.. and yet we have such interesting and complex lives. you suddenly become aware of how limited your vision is and that is existential horror. do you feel claustrophobic? that’s a lot of consciousness to squeeze into such a tiny little cell.
we’re all in solitary confinement.
i’m him again, and i’m in solitary confinement. i feel how tall i am, how broad and muscular my shoulders are, and it’s strange.. but i accept it. i can see the last bit of the outside world through the bars. light streaming in, dust particles dancing in the beams between the iron columns. everything is cold and hard and it smells musty, like grandmother’s basement. i’m subtly afraid for the life i’m not supposed to have.
it’s evening now, i assume. we line up for our meal and i don’t want to eat it. but i have no choice. i just want to go back to sleep.
all i want to do is sleep. i read to keep myself distracted. i’m always looking for new distractions. having a sense of humor helps but i can’t quite get myself to laugh all the time. i’m hollow and the grey surroundings fill me. i’m grey inside.
i am TV static. neptune in the first, blurring the lines. i was a man possessed, or was i? will the blood of christ be enough to drown out the sins of my past? he died even for me. there’s room in heaven for me too. i really want to be baptized.
i really want to be baptized. to get right with god.
the trance is fading now.. i still have snippets of a past i never lived. i stare at the images of birds on the glossy paper. goldfinches, woodpeckers, chickadees incubating their eggs. it’s all the nature i get to see now, that and my little window. i smile when i see my chipmunk friend outside in the grass. i haven’t named him in my head but maybe i should. he can be like my pet.
i should have just gotten an aquarium. i could be watching the fish in my apartment the same way. but if i were to go free, i’d be even more enslaved than i am now. enslaved by my weakness, my selfishness, my alcoholism, my compulsions. ironically, i am more free here.
i know i deserve death.
i have memorized every crack in the wall. i hear someone screaming down the hall somewhere, and banging noises. the wall has faces, i imagine. like seeing shapes in the clouds. i have learned to appreciate every small change that comes my way. it’s a simple life. it’s still more than i deserve.
how long will i be here, lingering inside another man’s body and mind? carrying the heaviness in my chest of crimes i never committed? except that in this moment.. i have memories of them. shampoo running down from my head and another man’s blood spiralling at my feet. i don’t smell it anymore but i know they have complained. i don’t want to be like this. i need another beer, and another, and another, all to drown the shame. i need to drink so much now for it to have any effect.
his stillness as i lay with him in our bed. he was freshly dead; i intertwined my legs with his to take advantage of all the warmth he still had left. i ran my fingers through his hair, talked to him, whispered sweet nothings in his deaf ear. he was mine now, and he always would be. he was mine.
he was mine.
he would never leave me now.
i could still smell the cologne he put on, the body wash he used in his last shower, the scent of laundry detergent on his clothes. there was something musty underneath it now, something bleak. he was starting to feel cool to the touch, so i held him tighter. my love. i will give him all the warmth i have.
why did he have to be so impermanent even in this state?
even his body would soon be taken over by nature’s course. i would perform my ritual to circumvent this slightly. dear lord, we break the bread, in memory.
one last rush from a failed experiment. his head leaks caustic substance and it stings my skin as i smooth back his soft dark hair. look into his vacated eyes, staring at nothing. i’m so sorry.
i just couldn’t let you go.
those times are faded now. my regret serves nothing and yet it still hovers in the background. i put it all into the arms of the lord jesus christ. he will carry away even my sins. i am in his embrace.
in his arms, i am safe from myself.
i am safe from abandonment.
i am safe.. even though all of them are destroyed.
i’m so sorry.
💔
[ • dahmers-ashes • ]
Jeffrey Dahmer Memorial 