Let’s talk about attachment styles! In learning more about myself, I also started to see links with Jeff and a certain attachment style. I am gonna try to explain why I feel the disorganized attachment style can apply to Jeff’s way of looking at relationships.
First, let’s explain better what this certain attachment style is.
Disorganized/disoriented attachment, also referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment, comes from an intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Adults with this style of insecure attachment tend to feel they don’t deserve love or closeness in a relationship.
Fearful-avoidant attachment is often caused by childhood in which at least one parent or caregiver exhibits frightening behavior. This frightening behavior can range from overt abuse to more subtle signs of anxiety or uncertainty, but the result is the same. When the child approaches the parent for comfort, the parent is unable to provide it. Because the caregiver does not offer a secure base and may function as a source of distress for the child, the child’s impulse will be to start to approach the caregiver for comfort but will then withdraw.
People who carry this fearful-avoidant attachment into adulthood will exhibit the same impulse to approach and then withdraw in their interpersonal relationships with friends, spouses, partners, colleagues, and children.
But there are more reasons why someone can develop an fearful avoidant attachment style and it’s not hard to spot the reasons that can be relevant in Jeff’s case:
→ The caregiver experienced depression caused by isolation, lack of social support, or hormonal problems, for example, forcing them to withdraw from the caregiving role.
→ The primary caregiver’s addiction to alcohol or other drugs reduced their ability to accurately interpret or respond to the child’s physical or emotional needs.
→ Traumatic experiences, such as a serious illness or accident which interrupted the attachment process.
→ Physical neglect, such as poor nutrition, insufficient exercise, or neglect of medical issues.
→ Emotional neglect or abuse. For example, the caregiver paid little attention to the child, made scant effort to understand their feelings, or engaged in verbal abuse.
→ Physical or sexual abuse, whether physical injury or violation.
→ Separation from the primary caregiver due to illness, death, divorce, or adoption.
→ Inconsistency in the primary caregiver. The person experienced a succession of nannies or staff at daycare centers, for example.
→ Frequent moves or placements. For example, constantly changing environments due to spending the early years in orphanages or moving between (foster) homes.
Now stop here for a second. We know Joyce had trouble being there for Jeff emotionally ever since he was a baby. She was dealing with PPD after Jeff was born and didn’t emotionally connect with baby Jeff. It is very important for infants to feel safe and have this connection. According to the book Serial Killers: the method and madness of monsters, the most common factor attributed to serial killers is the likely absence of infant bonding. “An infant that is denied human touch and affection develops a sense of only itself – it becomes completely oblivious to others. This is necessary for the infant to survive but can become a destructive trait in adulthood.”
During his childhood, Jeff’s home environment wasn’t a really safe one. Lionel and Joyce fought a lot. Joyce wasn’t there emotionally and Lionel was gone a lot for work and his own education. Joyce was dealing with her own mental health. She admits in her chapters in The Silent Victims that she wasn’t ready to be a mom and made mistakes. She writes, “I now realize how damaging the constant arguments, anger and physical confrontations were on the boys, especially Jeff. Although I was rarely angry with Jeff, he was constantly subjected to a barrage of fury and anger directed toward Lionel and he toward me. It must have been extremely frightening and paralyzing to him, it surely drove him off to spend more time alone, drove him further into himself.”. Joyce also got admitted into a mental facility for her mental health when Jeff was 15. This too can be a traumatic experience for Jeff and he lost his mother figure for some time.
We also shouldn’t forget the hernia operation that I feel was a critical turning point in a young Jeff’s life. This really made an impact on him mentally and he really felt violated (the beginning of his splanchnophilia). We can assume both his parents didn’t offer enough comfort before and after surgery to make the child feel safe again. And we also know that in the first 8 years of his life, Jeff moved around a lot. That can cause the feeling of unsafety and insecurity too.
People with fearful avoidant attachment want to form strong interpersonal bonds but also want to protect themselves from rejection. This leads them to seek out relationships but avoid true commitment or to leave as soon as a relationship gets too intimate. Fearful-avoidant attachment is often considered the worst in terms of potential negative outcomes. For example, multiple studies have shown that there is an association between fearful-avoidant attachment and depression.
Research found that it’s the negative view of the self and the self-criticism that accompanies fearful-avoidant attachment that leaves those with this attachment style vulnerable to depression, social anxiety, and negative emotions, in general.
Meanwhile, another study found that, in comparison to other attachment styles, fearful-avoidant attachment is predictive of more sexual partners in one’s lifetime and a greater tendency to consent to sex even when it’s unwanted.
Jeff never really tried to form a real romantic relationship. He probably didn’t even know what it meant. But reading this, you can see similarities in Jeff’s way of thinking. Jeff had serious abandonment issues. If it was real or imaginary, it doesn’t matter. It felt very real to Jeff. So real that in order to avoid being rejected or alone again, he started killing his victims so they never had the chance to leave him.
He also admitted to having sex with a lot with strangers. He didn’t kill every guy he had sex with. But he never learned how to emotionally connect with people. His personality disorders also played a factor in this but it is safe to say it all started in childhood. His teacher in first grade told Lionel that Jeff impressed her as being inordinately shy and reclusive. She told Lionel that he had not been able to engage in conversation with other children. He had not responded to their casual approaches, nor made any approaches of his own. On the playground, he’d kept to himself, merely pacing about the schoolyard, doing what she described as “nothing”.
A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style may crave closeness and reassurance from their partner, fearing that they will abandon them. In another instance, they may begin to feel trapped or afraid of how close they are with their partner and attempt to distance themselves.
A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style may display some of the following characteristics:
→ find it difficult to open up to others and discuss their feelings
→ have difficulty trusting others
→ have a negative view of others
→ have a negative view of themselves
→ have difficulty regulating their emotions
→ dissociation
→ lack healthy coping strategies for stress
→ withdraw in times of intimacy and closeness
But back to adult Jeff and his view of (romantic) relationships. Apparently people with a fearful-avoidant attachment style also have associations with symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Which is one of the personality disorders Jeff has been officially diagnosed with. A person with a fearful-avoidant attachment style is often at an increased risk for behavioral addictions and/or compulsive behaviors surrounding sex. Some theories suggest that persons with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may use sex or have higher rates of sexual partners as a way of trying to get their core needs met for connection and belonging that typically went unmet in childhood.
Jeff his compulsive behaviors surrounding sex were a little extreme in comparison to what the people in the article mean but it was still a compulsion to find the best looking guy to have sex with. To have complete control over them. To make sure they never could leave. In the bathhouses were Jeff started drugging his victims he admits in a interview Dr. Frederik Fosdal that he had sex with 200 different men. He said “You don’t develop a lasting friendship there.” and that he was not routinely rejected or disappointed. Jeff said that there were very shallow relationships amongst each other in the bath houses.
In the Psych Reports we can also read in the interview notes of Dr. Fosdal that he didn’t believe Jeff tried hard enough to find a compatible partner and that Jeff got abandoned over and over again with his heart broken so that he had to do what he ended up doing.
Dr Fosdal said “I’m not impressed – that you started so many relationships and that you were abandoned and jilted and had your heart broken time and time again and finally you resort to what you did.”
Jeff: “No I didn’t — no.”
Fosdal: “I would assume that there are a lot of people out there that would have liked to have an ongoing relationship. It’s just a matter of finding each other.
Jeff: “Uh-huh, no I didn’t. I guess I didn’t look hard enough.”
It seems Dr Fosdal forgets that Jeff needed more than what a partner mostly likely is willing to give but it can also be why Jeff never tried to look for a real steady relationship is because he felt like he didn’t deserve one or the fear of being abandoned and ending up alone again is what kept him from it. It’s easier to have shallow relationships that only revolve around sex. His fearful avoidant attachment style could have played a role in this.
One more snippet of the interview:
Fosdal: “In talking about your personality style you are a kind of stand-offish kind of guy in general with people. There is no reason why you should be extremely warm and honest and get real close to a gay man.”
Jeff: “Yes, that was my mindset. I was never one that was really interested in getting involved with a big group of people or anything – even from my earliest childhood.”
Fosdal: “Where you lonely? Did you miss people – were you missing something?”
Jeff: “During high school it was frustrating to not be able to meet someone of my interests so it was frustrating – yeah it was lonely.”
Fosdal: “Like in Milwaukee – are you lonely?”
Jeff: “Uh huh”
Fosdal: “You felt lonely – being lonely and being by yourself – kind of sad – Some people don’t mind it.”
Jeff: “I can take it to a point, but not years and years.”
Fosdal: “See, maybe had you been a little more susceptible to form a relationship with some other guys – maybe none of this might have happened.”
Jeff: “And if I didn’t have such a desire for total control and domination – right – if I wasn’t so selfish. I have to admit what I was doing was the ultimate in selfishness.”
I must admit Dr Fosdal seems a bit naive. He made it sound like a boyfriend would have fixed Jeff when we all know that wasn’t so easy. Jeff’s issues went far deeper than that. But I wanted to share this part because Jeff admits to being lonely and it seems he wanted to connect with people. Not big groups but maybe one person. Someone special that he could share his interests with. But his fear of rejection withheld him from this. He never learned to open up, his home environment never was a safe enough place to share his emotions even if he wanted. His emotional needs were never met by his parents so why would a potential boyfriend accept him and his needs? Why even bother to try to open up if you end up getting left alone anyway? Jeff sought out other disturbing ways to keep someone with him forever.
Again I want to make clear that there were more deeply rooted problems with Jeff than just having a disorganized attachment style. Even if this was already a thing back in the days and he worked on his attachment style, in his case that wouldn’t have solved his desire to have complete control and dominance over someone and his personality disorders. But I just wanted to point out that if we forget his crimes for a second and just focus on his desire to want to be with someone, if it was possible for him to have a normal romantic relationship, if he wanted to connect with a guy and learn to be better at communicating his needs, he would have had to deal with a fearful avoidant attachment style like many of us in the present time. If he were in a relationship or maybe just dating, he would constantly have the fear of not being good enough. He probably would have a really hard time being vulnerable and opening up to his partner. He would constantly fight the urge to leave before the other person leaves him. He probably look for any sign from his partner that they didn’t really like him. It would not be easy to form an emotional connection with Jeff even if he didn’t have his dark intrusive thoughts.
Sources [x] [x] [x]
Jeffrey Dahmer Memorial 
Very well done. Thank you for this piece. Great writing and great work.
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Thank you
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I loved your article. Here are some of my thoughts.
Unlike many other killers, Jeff claimed that his childhood was fairly normal, despite his neglectful parents, Lionel and Joyce. His father, Lionel, admitted to being emotionally distant, but he believed that providing for the family was his way of showing love.
At a tender age Jeff underwent a double hernia removal surgery that would forever change him. His father noticed a shift in his behavior as he became withdrawn and developed a peculiar interest in animal carcasses. Lionel, being a scientist himself, initially encouraged this fascination, believing it to be a sign of his son’s scientific mind.
But how did Jeff Dahmer, a seemingly normal boy, transform into someone obsessed with the idea of killing, dismembering, and even consuming his victims?
For Jeff, it all boiled down to the desire for total domination and ownership of his victims. He confessed during an interview that he had obsessive desires to control them, to possess them permanently. Killing them was not driven by anger or hatred, but rather a twisted longing to keep them with him. As his obsession grew, he began saving body parts as trophies, a way to remember their appearance and physical beauty. To keep them with him forever.
However, simply killing his victims was no longer enough for Jeff. When he was finally apprehended, investigators discovered a horrifying array of evidence in his apartment. Severed heads were found in the freezer, human hearts, a whole torso, and human skulls adorned his closest. Polaroids of his deceased victims served as a macabre reminder of their physical beauty. And then there was the shocking revelation that some of his victims’ body parts had been consumed.
Cannibalism, a rare phenomenon even among serial killers, held a particular significance for Jeff. Many forensic psychologists have explained that cannibals differ from psychopathic killers. While psychopaths struggle to form meaningful connections, those with cannibalistic urges develop extreme attachments. Eating their victims gives them a sense of power, as their victims can never leave.
This theory aligns with Jeff’s troubled childhood, marked by abandonment issues stemming from his parents’ divorce. Accusations of extreme cruelty and neglect were hurled between Lionel and Joyce, leaving Jeff feeling tortured and lost. Martha Schmidt, a sociology professor who knew Jeff in high school, described him as someone who cried out for help but was ignored.
Many psychologists have further explained that extreme attachment often takes on a sexual nature. Cannibals act out fantasies about relationships and intimacy, gradually progressing from voyeurism to necrophilia. Jeff himself admitted that his desire to possess his victims involved increasingly deviant behavior to satisfy his urges. Cannibalism made his victims feel like a permanent part of him, fulfilling his twisted longing for connection.
Jeff Dahmer’s story is a chilling reminder of the darkness that can consume a person’s soul. It serves as a cautionary tale, highlighting the importance of recognizing and addressing the cries for help from those who may be lost in the shadows of their own minds.
In the end, Jeff’s journey from a seemingly normal boy to a monster consumed by his own desires is a haunting testament to the depths of human depravity that can happen when given no guidance or healthy outlet.
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You are doing very well, when he talked about his family it was to protect her but in reality I think he was under Stockholm syndrome which is when someone abused or mistreated has for the people who take care of him, he apologizes them and says that everything is fine, I also think it is important not to call him moustro or the things he did because it is something we want to finish. But you’re doing very well.
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Thank you very much for your comments and feedback. I believe as you it is so important to humanize Jeff because he was human, he’s a man, who had problems and issues and no one to help, he was a victim and a lot of people never want to acknowledge that
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That’s right, he was a man with many problems inside him and you don’t have to label him and judge him, you’re welcome for me it’s a pleasure to read what you’re writing I like it a lot
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Thank you I’ll write more soon
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I hope so, thank you
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Thank you everyone for such any amazing site and well written articles filled with genuine love and kindness.
Here’s more of my thoughts on Jeff
Jeff Dahmer , While it may seem controversial to suggest that his life should be seen with equal empathy and sympathy as his victims, it is important to understand that every individual has a story to tell. I argue that Jeff Dahmer’s life, despite his heinous crimes, holds significance and should be approached with empathy.
To truly comprehend the life of Jeff Dahmer, it is crucial to delve into the factors that shaped him as an individual. Dahmer’s troubled childhood, including a strained relationship with his parents and issues with socialization, played a significant role in his development. By examining the circumstances under which Dahmer grew up, it becomes easier to understand why he ended up on a path of destruction.
Jeff Dahmer suffered from various issues throughout his life, including intense feelings of loneliness, depression, and a voracious obsession with domination and control becauseofneverseemingly having any growing up. It is essential to consider the impact of these struggles on his thoughts and actions. These are struggles we all face as humans. And when we are addressing his mental health issues, we can gain insight into the complexity of Dahmer’s psyche and perhaps find common ground on which to empathize.
Jeff Dahmer’s ability to commit such atrocious acts was not solely a consequence of his individual choices but also a reflection of societal failures. The isolation and alienation that Dahmer experienced were indicative of larger societal issues such as lack of community support, inadequate mental health services, and the stigmatization of those who deviate from social norms. By recognizing the failures of society to address these issues, we can find sympathy for Dahmer as a victim of these systemic problems.
While it may be uncomfortable to extend empathy towards someone who committed such ghastly acts, it is essential to remember that empathy does not equate to justification. By empathizing with Jeff Dahmer, we do not condone or minimize his actions, but rather seek to understand and learn from them. In turn, this understanding can aid in preventing future atrocities by addressing the root causes and warning signs of individuals who display similar behavioral patterns.
The life of Jeffrey Dahmer should be seen with equal empathy and sympathy as his victims. By examining the root causes of his actions, including his troubled childhood and mental health struggles, society’s role in his isolation, and the importance of empathy and understanding, we can gain a more comprehensive understanding of Dahmer’s life. While it may be a challenging perspective to embrace, it is through empathy and understanding that we can work towards a more compassionate and supportive society, ensuring that no individual falls through the cracks and resorts to such heinous acts.
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Thank you for reading us, and the goal of that page is to make Jeff the man known and that people who have the same problems see that there is light, hope. I really liked what you wrote.
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Thank you very much for your kindness
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Thanks to you 🫂
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As a teenager, I found myself grappling with my own inner demons. The struggles of adolescence seemed to consume me, leaving me feeling lost and disconnected from the world around me. It was during this time that I stumbled upon the chilling story of Jeffrey Dahmer, a notorious serial killer. Little did I know that delving into his dark and twisted world would ultimately help me confront and overcome my own struggles.
Jeffrey Dahmer’s story was a haunting one, filled with unimaginable horrors. His crimes shocked the nation, leaving a trail of devastation in his wake. Intrigued by the psychology behind such heinous acts, I began to research and learn more about Dahmer’s life. What I discovered was a deeply troubled individual, plagued by a multitude of personal demons.
As I delved deeper into Dahmer’s life, I couldn’t help but draw parallels between his struggles and my own. While our circumstances were vastly different, the underlying themes of isolation, loneliness, and a desperate search for identity resonated with me on a profound level. It was as if his story served as a mirror, reflecting my own inner turmoil.
Dahmer’s troubled childhood and strained relationships with his family struck a chord within me. I, too, had experienced a tumultuous upbringing, marked by a lack of emotional connection and a constant feeling of being misunderstood. The more I learned about Dahmer’s struggles, the more I realized that his actions were not simply the result of inherent evil, but rather a manifestation of his own unresolved pain.
Through my research, I discovered that Dahmer had sought solace in alcohol, attempting to numb his inner demons. This destructive coping mechanism mirrored my own struggles with substance abuse. It was a wake-up call, a stark reminder that I was treading a dangerous path. Dahmer’s story served as a cautionary tale, urging me to confront my own destructive tendencies before they consumed me entirely.
As I continued to explore Dahmer’s psyche, I stumbled upon accounts of his failed attempts at seeking help. The lack of understanding and support he encountered only exacerbated his downward spiral. This realization prompted me to reach out to others, seeking guidance and support for my own struggles. I sought therapy, confided in friends, and gradually began to rebuild the fractured pieces of my life.
In the process of unraveling Dahmer’s darkness, I discovered a newfound sense of empathy and compassion. I realized that beneath the monstrous acts lay a deeply troubled soul, desperately crying out for help. This understanding allowed me to extend the same compassion to myself, acknowledging that my own struggles did not define me as a person.
Through this journey of self-discovery, I learned that confronting our darkest demons is not an easy task. It requires immense courage and a willingness to face the uncomfortable truths that lie within. Jeffrey Dahmer’s story served as a catalyst for my own personal growth, reminding me that even in the face of unimaginable darkness, there is always a glimmer of hope.
As I reflect upon my journey, I am grateful for the lessons I learned from Jeffrey Dahmer’s struggles. His story taught me the importance of self-reflection, empathy, and seeking help when needed. It is through understanding the depths of human darkness that we can truly appreciate the light that resides within us all.
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You’re right, in everything you say, the darkness inside people is deep no matter how much it is like that there is always light
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It might seem unconventional or even disturbing to find solace in someone as notorious as Jeffrey Dahmer, a serial killer who committed heinous acts of violence and savagery. However, delving into the depths of Dahmer’s life and crimes has allowed me to examine my own progress and personal growth. My fascination with Dahmer is not an obsession itself, but rather serves as a metaphorical medicine that has helped transform me into the person I am today.
Jeffrey Dahmer’s life story and the horrors he inflicted can be perceived as relatable in a peculiar way. By examining the darkest aspects of humanity, we are able to confront our own fears and insecurities head-on. Learning about Dahmer’s troubled childhood and inner torment allows us to confront our own demons, thus leading to a sense of comfort and understanding.
Dahmer’s chilling narrative acts as a measuring stick for personal progress. By comparing our own lives and actions to the atrocities he committed, we can gauge how far we have come as individuals. The contrast between the darkness of Dahmer’s existence and our own personal growth serves as a reminder of triumph over adversity and the potential for change.
Every time we explore Dahmer’s life, we inevitably engage in a process of self-reflection and self-improvement. His crimes become the catalyst for our own transformation, as we recognize the sheer magnitude of the evil that can exist within humanity. By choosing not to succumb to the darkness, we are able to align ourselves with the forces of good and strive for a better future.
Jeffrey Dahmer’s existence acts as a constant reminder of the person I used to be. Through introspection and understanding, I have distanced myself from the immaturity and ignorance that once defined me. The stark contrast between my present self and the person I used to be is a testament to the positive impact Dahmer’s story has had on my personal growth.
In conclusion, while it may be difficult for some to comprehend finding comfort in the life of a serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer, it is essential to remember that this fascination is not an unhealthy obsession. Instead, it serves as a metaphorical medicine, propelling personal growth and transformation. By delving into the darkest depths of humanity, we find solace, measure progress, engage in self-reflection, and ultimately evolve into better versions of ourselves. Jeffrey Dahmer’s story, rather than being a source of morbid fascination, has enabled me to see my own progress in life and learn from the darkness that once consumed me.
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It makes you think and learn more about that dark world, I’m glad it helps you so he keeps saving lives despite being dead, somehow he changes people’s lives for the better that’s surprising
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