Jeffrey Dahmer: The unique existence of a troubled soul…

Jeffrey Dahmer occupies a distinctive place among serial killers. While his actions remain horrifying, it is crucial to delve into his unique existence, which sets him apart from other notorious figures. A closer examination reveals intriguing facets, including his display of remorse, unconventional motivations, and a deviation from the conventional sadistic nature associated with such individuals.

One striking aspect of Dahmer’s existence is the presence of remorse. Unlike many serial killers who show little to no guilt for their heinous acts, Dahmer expressed genuine remorse for the pain and suffering he caused. This element challenges our perceptions and underscores the complexity of his psychological makeup.

Jeffrey’s motivations diverge from the stereotypical sadism commonly associated with serial killers. While his crimes were undeniably monstrous, it is important to recognize that his primary drive was not deriving pleasure from inflicting pain. Instead, Jeffrey was driven by an overwhelming desire for control, companionship, and a twisted quest for a sense of connection that tragically manifested in horrific acts. Jeffrey Dahmer’s unique existence reveals a surprising human dimension that is not commonly found among serial killers.

His actions were not solely driven by sadistic impulses; rather, they were born out of a desperate need to fill an emotional void within himself. This distinction challenges our understanding of the motivations behind such crimes, highlighting the complex interplay of psychological factors that can drive individuals down dark paths. Jeffrey’s remorse and unconventional motivations mark him as a rarity among his notorious peers.

His willingness to express regret and introspection sets him apart from those who revel in their violence and show no remorse. This distinction provokes further questions about the intricate dynamics that shaped his troubled existence and the potential for redemption in even the most depraved minds.The existence of Jeffrey Dahmer defies easy categorization. It forces us to confront the enigmatic nature of human psychology and the intricate interplay of factors that contribute to extreme acts of violence.

While his crimes remain unforgivable, his display of remorse and unique motivations challenges us to grapple with the complexities of his troubled soul.

wrong place, wrong time

jeff is such a case of wrong place, wrong time. an outlier, tossed into a timeline that was just wrong for him and those around him, but just right for those who wish to study him. a sacrificial lamb of a soul, showing the world the worst-case scenario of what could go wrong when someone’s neurodivergences are left ignored and suppressed.

metaphysically, it’s not even his fault that he existed as he was. he was stuck that way, and there was no undoing it, no deviating from that life path he had to take on. it really does seem fated in a sense. if all the world’s a stage, then someone had to play the role of the tortured criminal, and it just had to be him.

i wonder.. if reincarnation is real [which i believe it is — matter can neither be created nor destroyed, and i’m sure consciousness exists eternally in the same way]. did he know that he had to incarnate in that way? taking one for the team, so to speak? or was he ultimately just some selfish horny fuck and there’s nothing deeper to it than that?

i mean, when i see his eyes in photos, i SEE an ultimately good soul there. a good soul that’s been ravaged and broken by its own incarnation. but of course, we don’t really have the tools to measure such a thing scientifically. so it’s all just up in the air for now. doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, though. it’s that sort of thing that keeps me wondering.

i do wonder how much self-awareness really does for a person in the end, though. jeff was as self-aware as he could be — on his own, with no outside help that matched his level cognitively — but he still killed 17 people. it’s just waking up to find you’re in hell. the existential horror of being jeffrey dahmer.

he experienced the bystander effect within himself. just a passive “i know i have to stop..” but an inability to INITIATE that action. it’s almost like executive dysfunction, but drawn out over a long period of time. and just like how all humans are biologically programmed to take the easier route, as it conserves energy, jeff acted on his impulses time after time. a sort of paralysis while still in motion. in many ways, he was paralyzed mentally.

same kind of thing with any addiction that grabs hold of you and doesn’t let go. people seem to think that if you can act at all, then you have a choice to stop whatever you’re doing. well, brain chemicals don’t work that way. he was able to stop for 9 years, yes, but that took all of his strength. eventually the muscles grew tired and he collapsed under the weight of his obsessions. and after that, he just gave in. he was tired of fighting it. he resigned himself to his fate.

just the same as with any addict relapsing. anything can trigger it. even something as small as a dirty note given to you in a library.

and back to the incarnating thing.. i wonder if maybe his “soul” or whatever knew someone had to live that life. someone had to be the bad guy, the poster child for the result of our stubborn refusal to understand mental health, our unrelenting desire to equate accountability with rage and punishment instead of understanding and compassion.

just like how someone had to betray jesus in order to get the ball rolling for his death and resurrection, i guess. someone had to play that role, and judas was the one who drew the short straw. maybe jeff had to be a sort of judas figure for the mental health field, causing the chaos that will set the much-needed transformation in motion. a devastating yet necessary catalyst.

¡ guess i just don’t want to blame him for being human. there was a lot going on in his mind, in his body, and he had no actual help for it that resonated with him. nothing that stuck. no one who truly GOT him.

i just wonder how strong any of us would’ve been against a biochemical cocktail like what he was stewing in for his whole life. especially when communicating it and being understood was impossible.

yes, people did try to help him, but it was in all the wrong ways.

the man was truly fighting himself all on his own.

[ • dahmers-ashes • ]

The Baptism of Jeffrey Dahmer

Title: The Baptism of Jeffrey Dahmer: A Profound Encounter with Roy Ratcliff (1994)

Introduction:
In the realm of criminal history, few names elicit as much horror as Jeffrey Dahmer’s. However, amidst the darkness that surrounded him, there exists an intriguing chapter involving his baptism conducted by Roy Ratcliff in 1994. This blog entry aims to shed some light on this significant event and the person who performed the ceremony.

Who Was Roy Ratcliff?
Roy Ratcliff, a Church of Christ minister, played a critical role in the life of Jeffrey Dahmer during his incarceration. Ratcliff was a volunteer pastor at the Columbia Correctional Institution in Portage, Wisconsin, where Dahmer was serving multiple life sentences. Ratcliff’s primary focus was spiritual counseling and offering prisoners a chance for redemption.
The Baptism:
In May 1994, Ratcliff and Dahmer developed a rapport through regular meetings, discussions, and Bible studies. Eventually, it was agreed upon that Dahmer would undergo baptism, symbolizing his newfound faith in Christianity. Ratcliff carried out the baptism ceremony in the prison chapel. It was a private event attended by a small group of witnesses, including Dahmer’s father and some prison staff.
Significance and Controversy:
Dahmer’s baptism intrigued the media and sparked widespread debate. Some perceived it as a genuine spiritual transformation, while others cynically viewed it as a desperate plea for leniency. Ratcliff defended his decision, stating he believed in the power of forgiveness and the potential for redemption in even the most heinous individuals.
The Aftermath:
Sadly, just two months later, Jeffrey Dahmer was brutally murdered by a fellow inmate. Nevertheless, Ratcliff’s act of performing the baptism exemplifies his commitment to ministering to those society deems irredeemable. While the precise impact of this event in Dahmer’s life remains open to interpretation, it serves as a reminder of the complexity of human nature and the importance of extending compassion even to the most reviled individuals.

Conclusion:
The baptism of Jeffrey Dahmer performed by Roy Ratcliff in 1994 offers a thought-provoking glimpse into the role of faith and redemption in the lives of criminals. Ratcliff’s decision to conduct the ceremony showcased the transformative power of spirituality and the belief in the potential for change, even in the face of unimaginable atrocities. This event will forever be a part of both men’s stories, forever shrouded in the duality of hope and the darkness that surrounded them.

Michael Lofton conducts an interview with the minister who administered the baptism of Jeffrey Dahmer, prior to his tragic demise at the hands of a fellow inmate. During the conversation, they delve into the topic of Dahmer’s religious conversion and explore the genuineness of his faith. Additionally, the minister shares their personal encounters with Dahmer, reflecting on the seven months of weekly ministry they provided leading up to his untimely death.

Roy Ratcliff had an “Life Changing encounter…”

Impressed by Dahmer’s sincerity, Ratcliff arranged for his baptism in a whirlpool within the prison. On May 10, 1994, Ratcliff performed the baptism, marking a significant turning point in Dahmer’s life. Determined to support his spiritual journey, Ratcliff committed to weekly Bible study sessions with the convicted murderer.

As Ratcliff delved deeper into Dahmer’s story, he was struck by the dichotomy between the monster described in the media and the person he had come to know. While Dahmer occasionally mentioned his crimes, he never provided an explanation for his actions. Ratcliff, along with the rest of the nation, could only speculate on the motivations behind Dahmer’s gruesome acts.

Despite public backlash and criticism, Ratcliff firmly believed in Dahmer’s capacity for repentance and transformation. He received mixed reactions, with some questioning his judgment while others commended his unwavering faith in the power of redemption. Ratcliff held firm in his belief that even the most evil individuals could turn to God and be saved.

Over time, Ratcliff observed a gradual change in Dahmer’s demeanor. The once self-destructive man began to show a genuine desire to help fellow inmates, particularly through Bible study sessions. Dahmer’s father, Lionel, also noticed the positive shift in his son’s outlook on life.

Tragically, Dahmer’s journey toward redemption was cut short. In a horrifying turn of events, he was attacked and killed by another inmate while performing janitorial duties. Ratcliff, who had formed a deep bond with Dahmer, felt a profound sense of betrayal and loss. Just days before his death, Dahmer had expressed gratitude to Ratcliff and looked forward to their continued friendship.

Ratcliff presided over a memorial service for Dahmer, where he stood alongside Dahmer’s family. The event also brought together the sister of one of Dahmer’s victims, who expressed her newfound ability to forgive Dahmer, offering a glimpse of healing and redemption for all those affected by his crimes.

A decade after Dahmer’s passing, Ratcliff remains committed to his ministry and has expanded his work in prison settings. Inspired by his encounter with Dahmer, Ratcliff developed a profound empathy for those incarcerated, recognizing the importance of compassion and support in their journey towards rehabilitation and spiritual growth.

The encounter with Dahmer challenged Ratcliff’s preconceptions and taught him that no one is beyond the reach of God’s grace. It serves as a powerful reminder that even in the darkest corners of humanity, there exists the potential for transformation and the capacity for forgiveness.

In addition to the profound spiritual journey that Roy Ratcliff shared with Jeffrey Dahmer, their connection deepened into a genuine friendship. Dahmer’s gratitude for Ratcliff’s support and guidance was evident when he sent Ratcliff a Thanksgiving Day card, expressing his appreciation for their friendship and eagerly anticipating their future meetings.

This unexpected gesture touched Ratcliff deeply, as it symbolized the bond they had formed despite the immense challenges and societal judgment surrounding their relationship. The card became a poignant reminder of the potential for human connection and the capacity for transformation, even in the darkest circumstances.

Ratcliff cherished the card and looked forward to the prospect of continuing their Bible study sessions and sharing their spiritual journey. Little did he know that it would be their last communication, as just days later, Dahmer’s life was tragically cut short.

This heartfelt act of gratitude serves as a testament to the profound impact Ratcliff had on Dahmer’s life. Their friendship transcended societal boundaries, reminding us all of the power of compassion, forgiveness, and the potential for redemption, even in the most unlikely of circumstances.

the tragic teacher

jeff never thought his life could be helpful to anyone, but he really has helped me a ton. he’s helped me think more deeply about people, about psychology, about the different ways in which the system fails us all, and about the complex nature of morality and human nature in general.

jeff is a teacher and subject both, perhaps inadvertently so. he didn’t recognize his own power. but i’m always going to be grateful to him for that. his actions were horrific, but his existence has somehow still helped us all here in this community. those who’ve wished to study him deeply have uncovered a lot of profound truths along the way.

like a retrograde planet, jeff’s existence bungled things up quite a bit, but it also taught us a lot in the process. and there are always going to be retrogrades. on a grand scale, we need them.

and i hate even saying that because it seems like an insult to his victims. they certainly didn’t deserve to die or be violated in all those horrible disgusting ways. it’s sort of making me squirm to even have this thought at all right now. but i guess death gets us all at some point; it’s just a matter of how it happens and what — or who — brings it. and sometimes society as a whole needs a shock to it in order to recognize that the current setup is absolutely fucked and needs to change. it’s just how the huge complex rube-goldberg contraption called “the world” is set up.

unfortunately, someone has to play the bad guy. like how judas had to betray jesus in order to get the ball rolling for his death and resurrection. without judas, the whole thing would never have happened. he hated himself for what he did, too, and he hung himself because of it.

i see jeff very similarly. he’s a catalyst for change.

and now somehow i’m linking this with the trolley problem. a few casualties for the good of the whole later on down the line? it’s cruel. it’s brutal. it’s a horrible reality. but the only way we can improve things as they are, i guess, is by fighting fire with fire at some point.

i don’t know. this might all be bullshit and i might regret saying it in about 5 minutes. i feel like i’m being insulting to jeff’s victims by saying it. but i’m also not married to these thoughts, either — they’re just swimming through my head, and i might read over them again in an hour and hate them. but maybe there’s a similarity there in that i’m thinking brutal thoughts and am self-aware at the same time, just as jeff was self-aware and yet couldn’t stop causing destruction.

i think his fame was necessary. he had to slam into our collective consciousness like a meteor and leave a huge crater so we can later fill it with new lessons and knowledge.

it makes sense that he came to light during the early 90s, with all that harsh outer-planet shit that was going on right then. capricorn and scorpio, saturn and pluto dominance. saturn is the grim reaper swinging his scythe; pluto destroys and rebuilds. jeff was absolutely a harbinger of all this outer-planet energy.

maybe in his next life, jeff will go on to be an even greater force for helping people than he was for harming them. maybe he’s already doing that right now. he just needed to go through a really nasty incarnation first.

maybe he needed to experience firsthand what horrors one human is capable of before he could help change this in the next life. i do wonder how many of us have at least one past life where we were a murderer or a rapist or some other awful person, and that’s what’s made us wiser in the end and we just aren’t aware of it.

the difference with jeff is that he seemed to retain some awareness that this was wrong. he’s bridged the gap so we can peer into the other side. he’s relatable because we need to be able to recognize these traits in ourselves.

only then can we take the first step toward righting our wrongs.

[ • dahmers-ashes • ]

a vision through his eyes

on august 7, 2019, i had a vision that i could not control. it came to me out of the blue — no drugs or anything else mind-altering involved — and as the imagery flashed through my mind’s eye automatically, i did my best to record it. i have never experienced anything like it before or since.

this is the raw, 99.9% unedited recording of what i saw. i only edited two words in one sentence for clarity later on.

❖ ❖ ❖

for a split second, i was him.. i was there

“but if you knew any more, it would break your brain.”

you’re channelling the wrong part of the collective consciousness. it’s causing a system malfunction. somebody is chasing someone, somewhere.. you know you have knowledge you’re not supposed to and that’s why you’re scared. our flesh hardware isn’t meant to support that operating system.

we’re meant to be blind little single-celled organisms, moving slowly on this space rock.. and yet we have such interesting and complex lives. you suddenly become aware of how limited your vision is and that is existential horror. do you feel claustrophobic? that’s a lot of consciousness to squeeze into such a tiny little cell.

we’re all in solitary confinement.

i’m him again, and i’m in solitary confinement. i feel how tall i am, how broad and muscular my shoulders are, and it’s strange.. but i accept it. i can see the last bit of the outside world through the bars. light streaming in, dust particles dancing in the beams between the iron columns. everything is cold and hard and it smells musty, like grandmother’s basement. i’m subtly afraid for the life i’m not supposed to have.

it’s evening now, i assume. we line up for our meal and i don’t want to eat it. but i have no choice. i just want to go back to sleep.

all i want to do is sleep. i read to keep myself distracted. i’m always looking for new distractions. having a sense of humor helps but i can’t quite get myself to laugh all the time. i’m hollow and the grey surroundings fill me. i’m grey inside.

i am TV static. neptune in the first, blurring the lines. i was a man possessed, or was i? will the blood of christ be enough to drown out the sins of my past? he died even for me. there’s room in heaven for me too. i really want to be baptized.

i really want to be baptized. to get right with god.

the trance is fading now.. i still have snippets of a past i never lived. i stare at the images of birds on the glossy paper. goldfinches, woodpeckers, chickadees incubating their eggs. it’s all the nature i get to see now, that and my little window. i smile when i see my chipmunk friend outside in the grass. i haven’t named him in my head but maybe i should. he can be like my pet.

i should have just gotten an aquarium. i could be watching the fish in my apartment the same way. but if i were to go free, i’d be even more enslaved than i am now. enslaved by my weakness, my selfishness, my alcoholism, my compulsions. ironically, i am more free here.

i know i deserve death.

i have memorized every crack in the wall. i hear someone screaming down the hall somewhere, and banging noises. the wall has faces, i imagine. like seeing shapes in the clouds. i have learned to appreciate every small change that comes my way. it’s a simple life. it’s still more than i deserve.

how long will i be here, lingering inside another man’s body and mind? carrying the heaviness in my chest of crimes i never committed? except that in this moment.. i have memories of them. shampoo running down from my head and another man’s blood spiralling at my feet. i don’t smell it anymore but i know they have complained. i don’t want to be like this. i need another beer, and another, and another, all to drown the shame. i need to drink so much now for it to have any effect.

his stillness as i lay with him in our bed. he was freshly dead; i intertwined my legs with his to take advantage of all the warmth he still had left. i ran my fingers through his hair, talked to him, whispered sweet nothings in his deaf ear. he was mine now, and he always would be. he was mine.

he was mine.

he would never leave me now.

i could still smell the cologne he put on, the body wash he used in his last shower, the scent of laundry detergent on his clothes. there was something musty underneath it now, something bleak. he was starting to feel cool to the touch, so i held him tighter. my love. i will give him all the warmth i have.

why did he have to be so impermanent even in this state?

even his body would soon be taken over by nature’s course. i would perform my ritual to circumvent this slightly. dear lord, we break the bread, in memory.

one last rush from a failed experiment. his head leaks caustic substance and it stings my skin as i smooth back his soft dark hair. look into his vacated eyes, staring at nothing. i’m so sorry.

i just couldn’t let you go.

those times are faded now. my regret serves nothing and yet it still hovers in the background. i put it all into the arms of the lord jesus christ. he will carry away even my sins. i am in his embrace.

in his arms, i am safe from myself.

i am safe from abandonment.

i am safe.. even though all of them are destroyed.

i’m so sorry.

💔

[ • dahmers-ashes • ]

the same star stuff

everyone has a little bit of jeff dahmer within us.

that’s the point.

ultimately, it’s why we keep coming back to him.

maybe his attractiveness or the shocking nature of his crimes are what grab our attention at first, but it’s his undeniable, discomfiting relatability that makes us stay.

he is the dorian gray painting we hide in our attic, the scapegoat we use when we want to look Good and Righteous. as if we don’t all have some kind of depravity within ourselves. it might not be as bad or as obvious as his, not even close. but it’s there. to some degree, it is there.

we’re all made of the same star stuff. and jeff was fully, completely human, in the most shocking and grotesque and strangely beautiful way possible. he was just as human as anyone else, and that’s plain to see. anyone who worked with him closely could see his humanity clear as crystal. so to reconcile that with the monstrous actions he’s known for — that’s a huge challenge for most. and i get why.

nobody wants to be associated with that type of thing.

but neither did jeff.

he hated what he was, hated his urges, hated himself for finding pleasure in the most fucked-up shit imaginable. and yet he had that other side to him that craved it and would do anything to get it. he had a demon inside of him, and that demon WAS him. it was and it wasn’t. he was a true gemini, a personality split down the middle.

perhaps that’s what he was brought to earth to teach us.

it’s easy for us to separate ourselves from people like john wayne gacy and ted bundy. though they were human too, they were obvious psychopathic sadists who loved to hurt people. the vast majority of us can easily make a distinction between Us and Them.

but you can’t do that nearly so easily with dahmer. and people most certainly try. oh yes, they do. they’ll find any reason possible to deny that he had a likable, relatable side to him, all because they want a clean and simple answer.

a clean and simple answer isn’t possible, though. not when it comes to jeff.

he forces us to think outside the box.

and he forces us all to face ourselves.

[ • dahmers-ashes • ]